I finally found everything I was looking for in a boyfriend. I couldn't be happier with Connor. It's interesting how I'm faced with the same issues and complications I was faced with several years ago in my past relationship. This time around I'm older, wiser, and stronger. So, after about four years of flings and hook-ups, I'm very pleased with where I ended up. I have closed one chapter and moved on to the next. =)

I never in my life thought I would say this, but you're a fucking idiot.

I'm not at all worried. I'm very inspired, actually.
I'll catch up one day in the near future.

I'm really glad I'm motivated, and that my life is going somewhere. Even though it's tiring and lots of hard work.
It makes me really happy to see others that are motivated and going somewhere.
Why does there have to be so little of them?

"So please please please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want
This time

Haven't had a dream in a long time
See, the life I've had
Can make a good man bad

So for once in my life
Let me get what I want"

You're so observant which has it's ups and it's downs. But I can't help but feel like at any given moment you're just staring at me picking out my flaws. You are the farthest thing from perfect, what drives you to do that? Why can't you enjoy anything? You sort of remind me of myself.

I'm trapped.

Watching A&E Intervention and Obsessed is always so depressing. Every day we are faced with addiction. Everything in this world can lead to addiction, and people can grow addicted to just about anything. The traumatic events that took place, it's so sad. We're all so human. And yet, those exact events occurred in my own life, how am I stable? I've lost and found my mind, and I still love you the same way I did the day you abandoned me. We're not perfect, but we found ourselves, and that's all that matters.

I'm fucking tired of palm trees. God, they're hideous. I'm tired of taking Tylenol PM to fall asleep. This constant road construction is ridiculous. Borders is only entertaining for so long. I'm tired of that helpless look you give me. Starbucks passion tea is starting to lose it's flavor. This weather only brings headaches. I was never a huge beach fan. I see your face multiple times a day. Why is the grass brown? WHY DO I HAVE NO PATIENCE?

You don't turn me on at all. When I say I don't care and that you mean nothing to me, I mean it. I'm not joking when I tell you to fuck off. If I text you when I'm bored it's because I'm using you for that exact reason, I am bored and obviously have nothing better to do. If I cared, I would apologize. If I liked you, I would not use you. And if I even gave a damn about you, I would accept you for who you are. But none of this is so, and I still find you to be repulsive.

Good day.

I really need more proactive friends.

I'm always waiting; with no patience. I'm content with who I am, but not where I am. It's not too far off...

I honestly don't know what drives me to think about 2005 so often. It's like I'm constantly banging my head against a wall, and for what reason? I can't rewind time, I can't go back and change it, nothing will ever be the same, and I can't have that back. So why do I do this to myself?

And then I say to myself, It's done, it's over, that was almost five years ago, get over it already. You fucked up. Move on.

Then the cycle repeats, and I still can't fall asleep at night. So stupid.

I have been so aroused for the past week. I haven't had one pure thought this past week, not that I'm religious. I just feel sorta silly.

I'm originally from Connecticut, and have visited several times since my dreadful move to Florida. But when I went up this time, everything was different. I noticed so many things that I had never noticed before. The smallest of things. I used to dread having to go to my grandparent's house, but I was excited this time. I loved watching my grandpa smile and I loved watching my grandma have such fun. I got to see my cousin Reid who I haven't seen since I was about eight or so. He is a lot different than he was as a child, but he's still so much fun and I miss him all the time. It's refreshing getting to see real grass and real trees. That sounds so dumb, but the air is just fresher and everything even smells differently. It's just so beautiful. I purposely did not bring my computer with me and kept my phone off just to make sure that I was completely disconnected from Boca Raton. I can honestly say I didn't miss anything about Boca Raton, I didn't miss anything about Florida. I'm sure when I move for good I will miss certain things, and specific people, but nothing strong enough to keep me here.

I absolutely have no desire to ever be anything with Adam again. I try very hard to remember that he is human and makes mistakes. But his mistakes are so extreme and so constant. There is just something very wrong with that boy. And when I say boy I mean it in the most literal way possible. It was a dissapointment, but it's gotten to the point where even the very thought of him disgusts me. It's unfortunate that it's come to that, but I see him on no higher of a level than a Mike Doris to me. Well, for those of you who know who Mike Doris is anyway... a joke, essentially.

I was dissapointed in myself three specific times during the course of my trip. I forgot how much I clash with "authority." I'm always attacked in airports, always searched, always pat down. I don't see why, I don't fit any of the intimidating or threatening stereotypes. I'm just an 18 year old girl trying to get from point A to point B. I told off one of the airport staff, and he deserved it, but I should have handled it much better than I did. That's just one example. But I guess the fact that I'm catching myself doing these things is always a good thing. I'll just know better for next time I suppose.

I'm just noticing huge changes in myself all the time, and I can't say I don't like it.

Ten thousand miles apart
A frozen ocean joins our hearts
I can't wait to meet you when
The frozen waves meet ocean floors
You'll be standing on the shore
I can't wait to meet you then

I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.

Itching, craving, longing, giving up, pushing, pulling, with your every being, I know.

I see it, I feel it, I am that.

Barriers. Oceans. Obstacles.

Life. LIFE.

Now, then, was, used to be, here.

Influences, fathers, knowledge, experiences, surroundings, nature, nurture.

Listen, understand, what is, what was, intertwine.

Purpose, destiny, goals, intuition, feelings.

Bleed, yearn, learn, achieve, forgive, and continue.

Life. With or without you. With me. With success.

After hours of self-evaluation, you come to the realization that the people you are currently wasting your time thinking about, are exactly that, a waste of time. The people that matter most are right there with you.

You know, I have been finding myself getting increasingly sensitive as the years pass by. And maybe this happens with age, although I hope not. It takes a lot to make me cry, and I rarely do. But it doesn't take much to have me thinking the entire day, and to have me distracted the entire day. You never would have guessed that I am sensitive.

I think letting go is going to be the best decision I've made all year.

These are shitty camera-phone pictures, but this was one of the most beautiful places I have ever been.